It's true, I don't care what your middle name is

I'm not sure if there are two female singers that have been more popular over the last 6 months than Lady Gaga and Ke$ha. Their songs can really only be described as ubiquitous-it would be difficult to play a pop music channel for more than 20 minutes without hearing one of them sing. I would rate Lady Gaga ahead of Ke$ha in almost everything-from number of popular singles, originality, musical talent, and most importantly, outlandishness. When Lady Gaga does something, I feel mystified by it: her music videos, outfits, sunglasses, even her own sexuality-I'm baffled by it all. Still, even as I watch Lady Gaga do something I've never seen before (like, produce a video involving a women's prison for a song involving telephone reception in nightclubs) I can believe that I'm just watching the Madonna of the 2010's. She's an original, but she's still standing on the shoulders of giants. She's taken an old form, and made every facet of it spectacularly weird.

Now, like I said, I consider Lady Gaga a more original artist than Ke$ha-not even just a musical artist, but a performance artist as well. Every day when Lady Gaga walks around in public, she is performing. Which is why I think it's strange that Ke$ha seems weirder. In almost every way, Ke$ha is a contradiction-she is white Nashville native who raps. She is a woman whose main subject seems to be getting laid. Indeed, the whole point of "Blah Blah Blah" is finding love (and by love I mean dirty sex) in a bar with a random guy. The thing is-we haven't really seen this before. Excepting Lil Kim, whose rhymes from "Magic Stick" you really just have to look up on your own, Ke$ha has personified a slut in entertainment better than anyone. The whole persona of Ke$ha is a drunk mess: the first line of her album is "Maybe I need some rehab." What other female artist calls herself a "love crackhead?" Hell, she even starred in Katy Perry's music video for "I Kissed a Girl (and I liked it)" as the girl that Katy Perry wants to kiss! Lady Gaga's persona is weird, but we've seen weird before. And here's the ultimate contradiction regarding Ke$ha and Gaga: while Gaga's persona is, in the abstract, weirder (because honestly, which is harder to find-a girl whose a slut or a bisexual who stars in videos in just strategically placed tape and see through tights?), the fact that Ke$ha's persona is so honest makes her the one that is more strange.

I don't care how many times I watch the video where Gaga is captured by faceless dancers and sold into sex slavery to a Russian she later lights on fire. Or if she and Beyonce go on a killing spree in the Pussy Wagon from Kill Bill. Ke$ha is singing about relatively normal things, and her videos are even more normal than they should be: Tik Tok, the ultra popular song that has been talked about more than healthcare so far this year, has her waking up in a bath tub and progressing to a normal house party accompanied by a dude with a mullet. That's not what feeling like P. Diddy feels like! Sluts are normal; let's face it, they're all over the place. Wish there were more of them, too. But there aren't too many of them singing as honestly and explicitly as Ke$ha. Call it commentary on feminism in the 21st century, but it's still weird to hear a woman singing solely about getting banged in a car. Meanwhile, this is probably 25% of what men rap about. Flavor Flav never hid his desires. Neither does Ke$ha. There's no wordplay, subtext, or pretense. It's honest, and being honest about being a slut is still weird. Don't blame her though. Ke$ha just wants a little love in her glovebox.

"I'd like an AJ and a Buzz"

Since you guys don't know me yet, you don't know that I'm someone that likes going out to a bar and having a few adult sodas. I consider myself an alcohol egalitarian: everything's good in my book. Do you want a beer? Sure I'll have one. Red wine? A glass never hurt anyone. Tequila shots? Just a few. Homemade moon shine I made in my bathtub using motor oil? Absolutely.

But as much as I love going out to a bar and having some drinks, I do think that there are always improvements to make. What can I say, I'm an innovator. So the first improvement that I'll be suggesting is a brand new drink, using a type of mix that I think is under utilized. Since I'm such a noble character, I will waive all licensing fees so that bars across America can start serving this drink immediately.

The under utilized mix? Apple juice. Who doesn't love apple juice? It's sweet, goes down smooth, and is an easy thing to mix with, as I found out. There are no good apple juice mixes that are commonly known, along with no good names for apple juice mixes. This is half the problem, as elucidated by Bill Simmons and Kevin Wildes in a recent podcast. Simmons was discussing drinking flavored vodka and tonic water-while you're basically drinking vodka and water, if you're at a bar and you order citrus flavored vodka, you're going to get some funny looks from people. Now I've never ordered an apple juice drink at a bar, mostly because I don't know of any places that even have apple juice behind the bar, but I imagine if I did I would get some funny looks from my knucklehead friends. "Apple juice? At a bar? Huh?" So we need a good name. There is a reason that Jameson and Ginger is being used in Jameson advertisements-because it's cool to say. The name just works, whether you're ordering it at a bar or you see it on a billboard. So we need a delicious drink with a name that is equally delicious to say. Here we go:

1. Apple juice and Vodka

Possible name: AJ and V

How's it taste: Well, it pretty much just tastes like any vodka mix. You taste the mix but there is something that is just behind the drink, a little hint of bitterness that keeps the drink from going down perfect. It's apple juice, but slightly worse. The vodka doesn't really improve the drink, just makes it alcoholic. RATING: C-

2. Apple juice and Brandy

Possible name: Nervous Gentleman

How's it taste: Better if it is served in brandy snifter. Everything is better served in a snifter. If I could choose anything to drink out of for the rest of my life, it would probably be a snifter. Hell, I'm drinking my coffee out of a snifter right now. Depending on how good the brandy is, it really makes or breaks this drink. If the brandy is subtle but still flavorful, this is a great drink. The brandy will overpower the apple juice, but not by much: it'll taste smoky but still good. But the brandy is of the cheap grape variety, this drink will taste weirdly sweet. It'll be drinkable, but just slightly....off. Like a brunette whose hair is dyed partially red. Interesting, but in the end, interesting doesn't always mean good. RATING: B

3. Apple juice and Rum

Possible name: Jungle Wasteland

How's it taste: Really good actually. I think it's superior to a Coke and rum actually, because you can really taste the rum. I used Mount Gay and apple juice perfect for masking the strength but allowing the taste. Throw in a little bit of Triple Sec and you've got a drink that's both potent and tasty. And by potent, I mean potent. Since they are easy to drink, you're bound to have the moment where you finish one, look at the bottom of your glass, and then realize you're already working on a buzz. "I already finished another one?" The next thought is one of the following: "Uh oh," or "I need another one." RATING: A-

4. Apple juice and tequila

Possible name: Virgin Saliva

How's it taste: The name comes from one of my friends, who thought it was a good name for whatever drink is as pure as a virgin's saliva. A bit weird? Yeah. Would you not want to order it at a bar? Potentially. Regardless, the name applies. Tequila and apple juice is a delicious drink. Just try it. Go to your liquor cabinet, grab the tequila, and then walk to the fridge and grab some apple juice. Mix them in a glass and sit down on your couch, because you're going to be there for a while. RATING: A-

5. Apple juice and scotch

Possible name: Act of God

How's it taste: Definitely the best of the bunch. The color and consistency match, and is actually even better when you had a splash of lime juice. Lime juice is the sour, scotch is the bitter, apple juice is the sweet. Throw in some salt and you've got the all the taste buds (note: don't actually do this). This is a great name as well: who wouldn't want to order something called an "Act of God." That is truly a badass name. Also, scotch is an under used drink at bars, even though it's a perfect drink for going out: goes down (relatively) smooth, conveys a sense of high standards, and will catch up to you as the night goes on. And isn't that we are really after, anyways? RATING: A+

Suggestions are welcome. I've got plenty of apple juice.

Hello

This is my attempt to start writing, categorize some of my asinine thoughts, and try to make sense of some things I see throughout my days. The blog is named after Benny Profane, a "human yo-yo and schlemiel," and I'll try to keep his spirit present in the blog. For all of my fellow gentiles out there, schlemiel means: an awkward and unlucky person for whom things never turn out right. That's sounds about right. Enjoy, and if you've read this far, thanks.